A divorce is a real challenge for both spouses. But life doesn’t stop there. How not to get the blues, start new relationships and be joyful in everyday living – this is what Tamsen Fadal tells a reader in her book “The New Single”.
Step 1: live through the first 90 days
First 90 days after the divorce are the most difficult. You are alone for the first time in years facing obsessive thoughts about the reasons of your family discord. Tamsen Fadel compares this state of mind with frustration. You are lost and don’t know where to go, who to call and how to enjoy life again. The author of “The New Single” made up a detailed plan for the first 90 days after the divorce for the readers to follow.
1. Start with the “reload” of your own home
Get rid of the furniture that reminds of your ex. It’s not necessary to throw it away or to have a ceremonial of burning. Unnecessary stuff may be sold and the money made from the bargain may be spent on something you always dreamt of. For example, that odd hassock or chick tent bed.
2. Organize your home environment
Put things right and make away with old rubbish.
Use simple rules: “Every thing should have its own place”, “Like-with-Like” and “One thing in – one thing out”. Tidying up, set an alarm (one, two or three hours) and have some rest after the signal. Don’t hesitate to make “before” and “after” photos – it will help you to see the effect even of the selective cleaning up.
3. Take care of yourself
Have a new haircut or just renew an old one, have a manicure or do some sports. You may start with morning yoga – you can find millions of videos with simple exercises in the Internet. Then you’ll get hooked to it and maybe one day you’ll find yourself in a gym powerlifting.
4. Check out your fridge
Throw away all fatty and harmful food: mayos, sauces with glutamate and low quality chocolate. New life – new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, useful groats, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clear water and eat in very small quantities when feeling hungry.
5. Plan your days
At first you won’t feel like doing anything so force yourself. Enroll in some courses, go to a library or an exhibition. Feeling gloomy at the Saturday’s morning? Wake up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and make new ones. Psychologists say that communication, social interaction is one of the key ways to move on after the break-up. Isolation evokes dark feelings, words and actions, we are going to regret.
6. Stop complaining
Pull yourself together – who rules your life? You are the love of your life. You are the first prize. To minimize the stress use a “Gratitude Jar” method. Put a beautiful jar on your bedside table and put there a note with the most positive and joyful moment of the day every evening. At the end of the year take them out and read.
Step 2: learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communicating with an ex-husband is one of the most challenging moments in a life of a divorced woman. It’s difficult to resist obsessive thoughts to have a little heart-to-heart talk with your ex and learn why your marriage fell apart. All you can think is something like “I was too cold, too fat, unattractive, inattentive and unsexual”. Tamsen Fadal advises not to share your thoughts about the ex with people who surround you (especially negative thoughts), and also follow some simple rules.
1. Don’t seek a meeting
The only solid motive for personal communication is children’s destiny. Other stuff should be decided with the help of some middlemen, friends or lawyers.
2. Don’t save his stuff
He took everything he needed. Other things definitely don’t interest him and won’t interest in a year. It’s better to get rid of his stuff.
3. Don’t spy on him on social media
Unfriend him and don’t torture yourself. Do it immediately after the divorce.
4. Don’t paint a false image of your ex
It’s human to remember only the good. Let the memories go at least for some period of time. Later when the wounds heal, you may have a look at all the letters and pics and remember nice family evenings.
5. Don’t use children as a shield
Or as a way to get the information. And don’t rouse them against the father. Your emotions and feeling will calm down, and their relationships will stay the same.
6. Don’t speak ill of your ex
It’s maybe one of the most difficult advice. The author of the book admits she behaved this way. She found herself thinking that she curses the ex-husband with great pleasure. However, avoid these mistakes, especially in the presence of potential partners.
Step 3: learn to date again
After the divorce most women are eager to play fast and loose to prove themself (“and that rascal!”), that they are still sexually attractive for men. How to start dating after years on standby?
Tamsen Fadal advises to follow 2 rules.
1. Don’t look for an ideal man
Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put feelings on a waiting list. Someone who is worth waking up early for and someone who you want to snuggle up to in the evenings.
2. Appreciate your principles
Don’t forget about the things important for you even for the sake of a delicious man. Be honest with yourself and think of your necessities and wishes. Stay yourself. If a man wants you only under certain conditions, like other hair color, weight, habits and preferences, these relationships are doomed to fail.
Step 4: learn to build new relationships
After the divorce women are often eager to start new relationships at all costs and ready to lose themselves in a new man. The author of “The New Single” honestly admits that she also made some of the mistakes. But Tamsen Fadal found strength to get a grip. This invaluable experience helped her to develop some advice that can keep women from disappointment.
1. Be self-sufficient
Don’t humiliate yourself. If he doesn’t call you back, he’s not interested in you. There’s no alternative.
2. Put a safe distance
Don’t make a best friend out of a man and all the more don’t make him a sounding board.
3. Don’t be a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, don’t hurry to do the same with your new partner. Identified yourself?
Get a dog and leave a man alone.
4. Tolerate his habits
Don’t try to break and change the other person – it’s useless. You are both adult individuals, and if his chewing while eating irritates you, it’s better to think things over very clearly before moving in together. Accept a man for who he is with all irritating things or break up.
5. Look for a free man
It’s really very important and “almost divorced”, “tomorrow we are going to the court”, “we live for the children” are impossible or else you may get trapped and turn to a trivial bachelor’s wife.
Bonus: how to organize your love life with children
Having children doesn’t mean you have to close the door on your personal life. The main thing – is to organize your free time and keep talking to your kid. Don’t forget: a kid is just a kid. He is used to be a center of the universe and is unlikely to share you with somebody else. Tamsen Fadal gave the greatest advice how to date having children.
1. Talk to your children about your feelings
Don’t think that they are too small and don’t understand anything. Children are very perceptive and they will easily guess that you dress up and make yourself pretty for some reason.
2. Don’t lie about your personal life
Sooner or later children will learn the truth and remember your lies for a long-long time. And after all how will you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children are (eight or thirty eight), they still need to see proofs of your unconditional love. Avoid ambiguity and show them that they are irreplaceable.
3. Never choose between children and personal life
And of course, don’t blame your child for the life you devoted to him when he is grown up and wants to separate.
4. Ask for a help
If you need your relatives’ and friends’ help, don’t hesitate to ask them to stay with your children or do some housework. Do you know other divorced mothers? Unite and help each other.
Tamsen Fadal’s book “The New Single” is manual for those who can’t recover from the divorce. The author gives advice and recommendations, based on her personal experience and also gives some tips about style and beauty. If you fell on hard times and don’t know how to go on living after the divorce, pay your attention to Tamsen Fadal’s book.